The Face Across The Breakfast Table

When my Grandma Bertie wanted to marry my Grandpa Jim, her father asked a simple question. "Is his the face you want to see across the breakfast table every morning?" Grandma told me that story many times. When the right man came along for me, she asked me that question too. The truth is, I couldn't imagine a face I'd be happy seeing if his weren't also there...across the figurative breakfast table. He doesn't eat breakfast, but the sentiment stands.

In just a few short days, Nick and I will be celebrating our 18th wedding anniversary. It seems like a bigger deal as each year passes. We sure have seen a lot of couples not make it, and some of them more than once. I've been tucked safely into this one's side for half of my life now, and I'm just so awesomely content!

Our marriage was recently the subject of a research paper for a college assignment. A friend asked many thought-provoking questions concerning a marriage with some longevity. At the time, I felt like I couldn't give her very satisfying answers. All of mine were so simple. There was nothing complicated, no long stories. In the weeks since that interview I have returned to those questions many times. I conclude that a few simple, loving practices build a comfortable, fun, happy marriage.

1. Don't nag. Just don't. It really is that simple. Choose not to do it.
2. Let your spouse be him/herself!
3. Encourage his/her goals, ideas, dreams, etc.
4. Be happy for him/her!
5. Lay selfishness aside. Be quick to apologize and eager to forgive.

These things are the foundation for all the rest! They are elemental to a happy marriage. I often get the question how we get on so well when we are so very different. And it's true. My husband and I don't have too much in common. Our backgrounds are vastly different. Our interests are different. Our politics are different. Our spirituality can be unbalanced. Our sense of adventure vs. safety are quite different. We just aren't similar people. But we LOVE each other so much, and we chose one another. We still choose one another every day. We are really, really good at the 5 Practices above.

We've realized that we don't have to be alike to love each other, to do those 5 things for each other. I have followed Nick around the country as he followed his career, covering all 5 elements in just one shot. I have watched friends nag at their husbands/wives and felt so uncomfortable for both of them that I resolved never to nag, and some might say to a fault. Nick is not me. He has his own personality, his own history, and his own aspirations. It isn't love if you can't let him be an individual!

Nick has given me safe, sheltered space to grow into who I am. He has loved me unconditionally and allowed me to blossom without interference. I know that he has extended me grace much more than I deserve across the years. I have never been belittled or made to feel small, and I have seen pride in his eyes when I accomplish something that means a lot to me. He's supported me as I've built 2 businesses now, letting me pave my own way. While he doesn't fully understand the obstacles I have overcome, he knows that some were huge, and he respects the strength inside of me. He isn't afraid of a strong woman. He doesn't feel the need to take that away. I can't think of a more powerful example of selfless love than that which Nick gives to me, and I do not take it for granted.

I can truly say that fighting is so rare I can count it on one hand. We don't agree on everything. We employ the 5 Practices, find a compromise, and move on. I choose Nick. He chooses me. We don't sweat the small stuff.