Unconventional Mo

After my last blog, I thought it would be best to go ahead and explain myself as an Unconventional Mo, before any Conventional Mo gets his/her reportedly magical knickers in a twist. "Mo" stands for "Mormon" or "Mormonism" so I am an Unconventional Mormon. I'm pretty stinkin' proud of it too. The easiest way to do this is probably to make lists of Conventional Mo vs. Unconventional Mo traits which I possess. For the record, I have a testimony of the gospel. My faith is very dear to me. I just don't take myself too seriously, and I don't really care to make myself conform to anyone else's ideals for the sake of their comfort. I have room to grow. And that's okay.

Kate The Conventional Mo

• says a prayer and eats meals at the table with her family
• says Family Prayer every evening
• says Car Prayer before traveling long distances
• has LDS Tools app on her iPhone
• has Gospel Library app on her iPhone
• still has analog scriptures in a leather analog scripture case
• wishes she were better at both personal and family scripture study
• loves to see the temple
• watches The Legend of Johnny Lingo and cries and swoons every time
• says "stinkin' "
• drives a minivan
• goes to church on Sunday (okay, not every Sunday all the time)
• wears a dress to church
• tries to have meaningful Family Home Evenings
• has LDS art in her home
• has A Proclamation To The Family hanging on her wall
• believes Families Can Be Together Forever
• doesn't smoke
• doesn't drink coffee
• doesn't drink alcohol
• doesn't use drugs
• eats meat sparingly
• uses the plants and herbs Heavenly Father gave us as food and medicine (not a toker, for real)
• is (mostly) a full-time mom
• dresses modestly
• has memorized the 13 Articles of Faith
• categorizes herself and Mormonism as Christian because testimony of Jesus Christ as Savior
• freezes meals
• can be relied upon to provide a meal or assistance to someone in need on short notice
• practices food storage

Kate The Unconventional Mo

• has not yet been to the temple for herself
• married a non-member/convert, not a Return Missionary
• drops a swear on occasion
• sometimes doesn't go to church on Sunday
• doesn't really feel part of a "ward family"
• wears flip-flops all the time, even to church
• sometimes feels conflicted about one small part of A Proclamation To The Family, but trusts that Heavenly Father will sort all that out
• doesn't feel it's her place to judge or legislate who one loves and chooses to marry
• has a tattoo
• is a hippie
• feels equally spiritual as religious
• sort of unschools her children
• does not aspire to Molly Mormonism (read Conventional Mo)
• doesn't care if other people drink alcohol to unwind
• has friends who drink alcohol
• has friends who smoke pot (though they respectfully don't do so in her presence)
• has hippie stickers all over her minivan
• has no LDS or BYU stickers on her minivan
• has no stick figure family stickers on her minivan
• has a rainbow "coexist" sticker waiting to be put on her minivan
• might watch an R-rated movie if she wants to
• grew up in a broken, dysfunctional home and family
• isn't weird about sex/can talk about it in real terms without blushing
• birthed a baby at home
• wants to be a homebirth midwife
• sees a lot of vaginas and placentas as a doula
• doesn't like baby showers
• doesn't like Jell-O with pretzels or cottage cheese or anything else that doesn't belong in Jell-O
• celebrates and honors all cultures and religions, loves learning about them, feels no need to convert everyone she sees
• is not a Republican
• enjoys gospel discussion without trying to persuade anyone
• is an activist
• abhors canned Cream of Anything soups
• doesn't care what you wear to church
• doesn't care what color your hair is or how you style it
• isn't offended by your tattoos or piercings

There is probably more to say on each list, but it's late, and this is a pretty good representation.

Purity, Chastity, Virtue - Sex By Any Other Name...

The name "Elizabeth Smart" is being seen in the news a lot again lately. Her story weighs on my heart and her courage and openness inspire me to do more for my own daughters and other women. You can read the latest from Elizabeth here. It is an encouraging read.

Like Elizabeth, I grew up in the Mormon faith. I still practice that faith, though I freely admit to anyone that I am an "unconventional Mo." We can talk more about what that means another time. Also, like Elizabeth, I experienced repeated sexual abuse. I was not kidnapped, and most of the abuse I experienced was not at the hands of a stranger. Most times, my own parents put me in the hands of my abuser/s, and to this day I have no idea if they have let that sink in. I don't know if they are still claiming ignorance. It's only been in the last 5 years that I've been able to talk to ANYONE about it EVER. And tonight was the first time I ever shared this with my daughters, sparing them all details, of course. My experience lasted from sometime after I was born (my first memory is around age 3) until I was about 10 and acted up enough that I was able to avoid the abuser/s altogether, or he was finally afraid of me.

As a Young Woman, ages 12-18, we often had confusing, embarrassing (I was embarrassed for my leaders, mind, more than I was for myself, or about sex) discussions with strange and disturbing object lessons/analogies about our purity. The big, overused story of my generation was ABC Gum. ABC Gum, if you don't know, is Already Been Chewed. Our virginity was compared to a pristine, non macerated piece of chewing gum (probably the really white kind, like a Chiclet, or maybe the stick kind with pretty sparkles of chemical trickery). As non macerated white sparkly gum virgins, we were desirable and whole and pure and chaste and virtuous. But, if we shoved our non macerated white sparkly gum virginity/purity into the dirty hands of boys (or girls) and they chewed us up touched us inappropriately or penetrated us in any way, then we would be discarded unceremoniously and every other human on the planet (but especially boys) would find us revolting. Yeah. About that.

The newer generation of Young Women are fence posts. You can drive nails in them, and the nails can be yanked free, but the holes are there forever. (Never mind how one might find it difficult to reconcile the Atonement after such a story, but I digress.)

Annual panel discussions with our Bishopric and youth leaders were no more helpful. In fact, I feel they were worse and even more harmful. They were certainly confusing. Most of the time, the 3 men (Bishopric), and our male and female youth leaders, sitting before us and answering our anonymous questions about dating and sex couldn't even agree amongst themselves about what was appropriate or not. One thought no kisses anywhere prior to marriage. One thought a kiss on the hand or cheek. Another thought a light kiss on the lips (closed mouth) would be fine. WHAT?! Get it together, guys! This is GUM we're talking about!!!!!!!!

But seriously....you know what I want my children (not just my daughters) to know about sex? First, I want them to know the correct terminology for their sex organs and sex acts. Seriously. That's basic.  Additionally, I want them to know all the good and wonderful things about sex. Sex should be fun, sex should feel great, sex can be full of laughter and passion and love. Sex can make babies. Sex can be awkward and fumbly. Sex should absolutely be part of a mutually committed, safe relationship. You should not be ashamed or afraid to discuss sex with your partner (or your parents when you have questions). I want them to come talk to me when they hear well-meaning but ludicrous and potentially harmful analogies from teachers they look up to.

I want them to understand consent.  I want them to value other human beings, and themselves as human beings. Even as human beings who might make regrettable choices. I want them to understand that the only person who gets to regret his/her choices is the person who made those choices. I want them to know that I love them unconditionally, that Heavenly Father loves them unconditionally, and that mistakes don't define us but can help shape us. I want them to understand and exercise personal accountability...and forgiveness if needed. I want them, most of all, to understand that their entire worth is not wrapped up in their sexuality!